What is love?

For a guy who has been fighting to prove that love still exists for well over 10 years, I wonder now, have I ever really known what I was fighting for ? You know how everything seems so amazing and all and then suddenly you just get slapped in the face and then you just cant believe what has happened?

Well that's what happened to me, all this beautiful so called amzing feeling just suffocated me and I couldn't really see what was going on. I cant deny, there is love in this world, there still are those few lucky chaps who do find love and do live happily. but all I know is that I'm not that person.

For as long as I've known I've guided people to find love, I've helped people overcome their problems in relationships but guess what, I was never good enough to deal with my own issues. Yeah it's pathetic that after 8gfs I have not gotten my first kiss yet, but whats even worse is that with all 8 gfs I still didnt find love. Now that is what bugs me even more than everything else. Yes 3 of my gfs cheated on me but after 18 years if I cant answer what is love then what kind of a life have I lived.

In December, I fell in love with a girl called Cassandra Anne Sebastian. She was the most perfect girl to me. I loved her from the bottom of my heart. There wasnt a single day where I did not think of her. Every night as I lay down on my bed, I used to look at her picture in my phone before sleeping off. She then left for Sarawak to live with her aunty and she was studying there. She would only get her phone on weekends and therefore every Friday night, I would send her a text message waiting for the message to be delivered. I would wait so patiently and the second I see that the message was delivered I would call her hoping that the situation would be right for her to answer the call. If she did I was the happiest man alive, and if she didnt I would just wait till I called her again, and if by Sunday night she doesnt answer and the phone goes off I would know that it means another patient wait till Friday for the repeat of the whole process.

This was how I lived for 3 months. For 3 months I waited for her, I told her its ok if I had to wait, its ok that this is the life I have to go through, I didnt care about all that as long as I had her in my life. I thought about everything, how it would be like when we finally meet up if we do meet up. I though about everything. And then this happens.

IF YOU DIDNT WANNA TALK TO ME YOU COULD HAVE JUST SAID SO,
IF YOU DIDNT LIKE IT THAT I CALLED YOU SO MUCH YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST TOLD ME,
IF YOU DIDNT LOVE ME YOU COULD HAVE JUST TOLD ME SO,
WHY AFTER 8 GIRLFRIENDS AND AFTER BEING CHEATED BY FRIENDS AND BY THE PEOPLE I LOVE I STILL KEEP ON GETTING IT AGAIN AND AGAIN
I QUIT SMOKING FOR YOU,
I QUIT A LOT OF THINGS FOR YOU,
AND THIS IS WHAT I GET?

There isnt any love for me in this world, I might have friends that really do care about me and do love me. But I dont have that one special person who I can wake up every morning thinking of and sleep every night wishing she would come into my dreams.

There isnt

And now all I can do is sit here thinking what went wrong again....