The Mind of a Psychologist

Now, why I choose this to be the title of my post, I have no idea myself. It's just that I have been thinking a lot lately, maybe even too much, about a lot of things that are happening around us. You know how sometimes the things in front of your face has been there all along but you never realized it until came and slapped you in the face and then you see. You know how psychologists are supposed to sophisticated in the head, and always tend to look at the wider picture instead of focusing on the picture itself, I kinda have a feeling I'm heading there.

If you ask me whether I'm going cuckoo? I doubt it, but if cuckoo means that you go into deep thinking then yes I am beyond cuckoo. I just find myself confused about so many things. This world is so confusing, one person might say this is right the other person might say that's the worst possible thing to do. One might interpret actions and behaviors differently with how the person who is acting out those actions and behaviors interpet it.

Honestly, I daresay there are not many adults I confide in, save Mr. Victor and Ms. Shoba. I tend to talk to Mr. Victor more due to the longer time which I have spent knowing him. Still a lot of these things I just cant get myself to open up to him, I know he might be the only one reading my blog anyway, but even somethings I just cant get myself to open up to him. All my friends think its cool to do things like that, but for some reason I don't

I'm just rambling too much, I better stop here.
By the way, before I leave I came up with this line. I was in Delucca the other day to attend my lecturer's gig in KL. As fun as it was, it lacked young girls to dance with, so on Sunday afternoon, as I lied down trying to get a nap after church, I just recollected that night, and I thought what would have happened if I did dance with a lady. And this line just bumped into my head.

"I was dancing with this lady, as we were dancing she whispered into my ears, "Honey, I'm old enough to be your mother" I just looked at her and said " Darling, I'm old enough to make you one!!!"

See how my mind works, I love this psychological mind. (:

Amazing voice

Hey I was just browsing through youtube, you know this place is like a site for talents worldwide. Anyway, while I was browsing through, I bumped into this awesome singer, who is I shall say pretty eccentric, if you don't believe check out this video and tell me what u think about it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ov3PS-CY-jY

A night I won't forget

Yes, I know I haven't updated for like a kazillion days... its just that that inspiration to write has just left me, I would say it is mainly since my mum started reading this blog and I had to privatize it. Since then, I realized only a select few can read my blog, and these people are people who I meet or chat online everyday.

However, me writing today is to share with a whole lot of you who might have access to my blog, about this wonderful night I had last friday.

I have a very good friend in the form of Benjamin George. He has been my bestest buddy for like God-knows-how-long. We're well known in our church camps and in church though he is not exactly from my church. We're known for our acting skills where we tickle people's funny bones without a fail every year by our plays in church camp. Even the email address that I have, Benzcool - is derived from my friendship with him : Back in camp, we're known as the Benz, because I'm known as Benny in my church and he is known as Ben and we're the Benz. Even my email add is derived from him, so I guess you can imagine how close we were.

Now, thanks to him, I was allowed to tag along to meet a very famous person whose identity I shall keep anonymous to save that person a whole lot of trouble. So, we were supposed to go to this club called Mist in Bangsar, however, they found out that there were lot of police raids that night and decided to just chill at the crib. Me and Ben, we had to travel a long way to this person's house thanks to our friend, Kevin who was willing to give us a lift. So we arrived at the apartment and we managed to find the place into the room.

The second we entered, everyone went "HEYYY!!!!!" Apparently my other half is a well known figure at least to them, and Ben went around introducing me "Hey this is my friend Benny" and I would reply "Hi, its Mathew", this repeated with about 3 people and at last they got the point that I would prefer myself to be called Mathew.

Once that was done, Ben was called to answer a question, failing to which he would have to take double shots of vodka, obviously he failed and two shots of hot drink flowed into his system. Next thing you know, I get cornered by a person and without even getting a question was forced to down 2 shots. AND MINE YOU I'M NOT A DRINKER, so this was really turning out to be a great night.

But what really made the night exceptional were the people who I spend the time with. They totally gave me a new point of view to look at, I can tell you I learned so many things just spending this wonderful liquour-assisted night with them. Just before we left we had mihun and nasi lemak just to take the breath of alcohol away and luckily too, because we were stopped by a police and the driver had to blow into some detector but thankfully the mihun was effective and we escaped.

So, lastly, ( I wish I had some vodka now) I would like to thank everyone that gave me that amazing night.
Because of you, I am more willing to take things as they come
Because of you, I look at things with a whole new point of view
Because of you, I can understand myself better
So thank you for that.
I'll never forget that night, well I kinda already forgot the details......

What is love?

For a guy who has been fighting to prove that love still exists for well over 10 years, I wonder now, have I ever really known what I was fighting for ? You know how everything seems so amazing and all and then suddenly you just get slapped in the face and then you just cant believe what has happened?

Well that's what happened to me, all this beautiful so called amzing feeling just suffocated me and I couldn't really see what was going on. I cant deny, there is love in this world, there still are those few lucky chaps who do find love and do live happily. but all I know is that I'm not that person.

For as long as I've known I've guided people to find love, I've helped people overcome their problems in relationships but guess what, I was never good enough to deal with my own issues. Yeah it's pathetic that after 8gfs I have not gotten my first kiss yet, but whats even worse is that with all 8 gfs I still didnt find love. Now that is what bugs me even more than everything else. Yes 3 of my gfs cheated on me but after 18 years if I cant answer what is love then what kind of a life have I lived.

In December, I fell in love with a girl called Cassandra Anne Sebastian. She was the most perfect girl to me. I loved her from the bottom of my heart. There wasnt a single day where I did not think of her. Every night as I lay down on my bed, I used to look at her picture in my phone before sleeping off. She then left for Sarawak to live with her aunty and she was studying there. She would only get her phone on weekends and therefore every Friday night, I would send her a text message waiting for the message to be delivered. I would wait so patiently and the second I see that the message was delivered I would call her hoping that the situation would be right for her to answer the call. If she did I was the happiest man alive, and if she didnt I would just wait till I called her again, and if by Sunday night she doesnt answer and the phone goes off I would know that it means another patient wait till Friday for the repeat of the whole process.

This was how I lived for 3 months. For 3 months I waited for her, I told her its ok if I had to wait, its ok that this is the life I have to go through, I didnt care about all that as long as I had her in my life. I thought about everything, how it would be like when we finally meet up if we do meet up. I though about everything. And then this happens.

IF YOU DIDNT WANNA TALK TO ME YOU COULD HAVE JUST SAID SO,
IF YOU DIDNT LIKE IT THAT I CALLED YOU SO MUCH YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST TOLD ME,
IF YOU DIDNT LOVE ME YOU COULD HAVE JUST TOLD ME SO,
WHY AFTER 8 GIRLFRIENDS AND AFTER BEING CHEATED BY FRIENDS AND BY THE PEOPLE I LOVE I STILL KEEP ON GETTING IT AGAIN AND AGAIN
I QUIT SMOKING FOR YOU,
I QUIT A LOT OF THINGS FOR YOU,
AND THIS IS WHAT I GET?

There isnt any love for me in this world, I might have friends that really do care about me and do love me. But I dont have that one special person who I can wake up every morning thinking of and sleep every night wishing she would come into my dreams.

There isnt

And now all I can do is sit here thinking what went wrong again....

Valentines.... pfft

I'm sorry people for not updating my blog, I know its been ages, but I jus totally lost the mood to do it anymore. A lot of things have happened since the last time I posted. Both good things and bad things have happened, but sadly I don't really haf the time to write it out in deatil because I'm kinda busy with my college and all.

Exams are coming so I need to study and assignments and all so yeah.
Thanks for still visiting my blog eventhough you never expected to read anything here.

I realize I'm very lucky to have many of the friends that I have now. Just want to thank you all for being there for me.

I'm a different guy now

I'll make a change

Random Pics

The cake for my mum's b'day

My new Christmas tree

My new cousin

My lolipop =p

The Birthday Babies in the reunion

Gong Xi Fa Cai

Well first and foremost I would like to wish everyone a Happy Chinese New Year, 恭喜发财，红袍拿来。I hope what I wrote is right, been trying to brush up on my Mandarin lately.

Anyway, yesterday, we finally had the reunion of all our primary school friends. If I'm not mistaken we had about 30 people in this reunion which was really great. Honestly, this wasn't an easy job to accomplish, but thanks to all my friends who kinda pushed me through and helped me a lot, this reunion turned out to be a success.

Around 6+, I drove to Sentosa to pick up my old class monitor, Teo Teck Cheong. I didn't recognize him at all, he changed so much. Well of course, I mean it has been 6 years since we last met. Anyway I picked him up and left for Asoka. I know, a weird place to have a reunion, but when I went to book at JETH they told me that they will be closed, so no choice I had to have it in Asoka.

Lan Si was the first to meet us there, then slowly one by one all of them came. It was nice to see all of them again, after like trying to picture how they looked while chatting with them through their msn. Soon, there were about 20+ of us and we decided to head to Station 1 as Asoka was pretty hot and not suitable to make loud noises.

It was nice to get to meet up with each other, I know I'm just repeating it again and again, but yeah that's how I felt. I mean these were some of the people I spent my 6 years of my early life with. I was really confused with the many colleges of the different people, I was really getting mixed up with all of them.

We then had a birthday celebration for our three birthday babies, Cheong Yong Sheng, Kenneth Mak Ping Li and Sam Shir Wei. We chilled a little while longer then the big task came - settling the bill. After that headache was over, we all decided to leave, and said our goodbyes.

It was a awesome experience seeing these faces again. I guess we should probably make it an annual thing. Well that's all I guess. Wishing all of you a Happy Chinese New Year, and I'm open for invitations :P chiowsss

Untitled

I don't know why I would want to write now or even what I am going to write, but I just feel this sudden sense of loneliness and at the same time I feel bored and sad, and tensed, I don't know what's wrong with me.

What I do know is that I am terribly missing someone. I think about her every night before I sleep, it just eats me from inside knowing that she is there and I am here. I think about her words everyday, her words that said "You should find someone else, don't waste your time with me."

Am I wasting my time? I don't know, I finally feel like I have met the one, well I have thought before that the others were the one as well but there always seemed to be some complications with them, religion for instance. Well even this is not excluded from those, the age sure seems to bother the both of us. However it doesn't really mean much right? I mean when you really like someone you don't really look at their age and everything. My parents are 3 years apart, my mum's parents - 12 years. So based on those I don't think it is such a problem, is it?

Maybe it's just not suitable for now, maybe in 3 years time, we'll be the perfect couple. But 3 years isn't a short period of time, anything can happen in 3 years. I've experienced losing someone before just because I wasn't ready to commit myself.

So should I go for it?

Timetables, Subjects, People, Tasks....

Its amazing I can even sit in front of the computer and type these words that I am typing now. I know I'm online all the time, but to actually empty your mind and think about what had happened throughout the week and stuffs like that, I just don't have the patience to do it.

I'm crazily tired, been running up and down from the hospital to college to going out to makan with friends that I realized I don't actually have time to really settle down for myself. First of all the timetable keeps on changing, but no one can be blamed on this issue because there are not many permanent staffs in HICT and therefore we have to arrange the timetable to suit the part-time lecturers availability. I hope Shireen and Say Pin can hang on as its really not easy to be in their shoes. Come on people, its not like they have a choice, they need to do their job as well right?

Subjects...... My God, I really don't know how I'm going to survive this semester, I have to reduce my online-ing and sit down and start reading. You know why? Because all the subjects that I took requires heavy reading... From English 121 to World Literature to Moral Studies to Introduction to Psychology. I really pray I can pull it through because I'm definitely not the type that reads thru stuff and all.

The people around me what can I say. Some people turn me on so much I can barely contain myself and some people just get to my nerves so much that I feel like drawing my fist and dig a punch into their faces. And please don't think I'm some pervert getting high for no reason, when I meant turning me on, I meant Edric and Arun who excited me so much with their strategy of creating buzz for our upcoming musical that I was left at awe and feeling so darn high- you know that ecstacy-like feling. Gosh!!! That was HEAVEN!!!!!!

And lastly, for now that is, I'm up to my neck with all the tasks I need to do for the college and for my mum and all, I really need to know how to organize my time better.

Oh well people wish me luck, Dr. Love needs the lucks rushing in now. Hope its a good year for the Horse. Chiowz...

College is back!!!!

Ok, first of all, a thousand and one apologies :P for not being able to constantly update my blog like I used to. The reason for this is because college has started again and we have hell lot planned ahead for this year. Let me give u brief description of what we are planning to do this year.

Let's see... The major project comes under the Performing Arts Club which is a musical. We are planning to have it played in college on July 3 in conjunction with the US Independence Day. If it manages to be a hit, IF, then we will be trying to play it in other places as well.

Besides that, we are in deep discussion to organize an inter-school street soccer competition. We plan to have it sometime around June, after the students mid-year exams and also before their trials for those who have SPM or PMR. This competition is open for girls as well as guys, so if anyone reads this and are interested to take part, please do let me know, but you guys and girls have to be from a school in Klang.

Besides all these major plans, I of course have my own little petty works to do here and there, so thats basically is what is keeping me away from blogging all this while but nonetheless I'm back here.

Don't worry, Dr. Love is always around. But he needs to go now. :P

Take care, peepz. Chiowz.

2009 is here!!!

Well a year has gone and now a new year has arrived. Why do I sound so dull? Because for a fact I believe nothing is going to change much this year. Ok wait let me rephrase that sentence "nothing much is going to change this year" Let's analyze this situation and deduce why I have came up with such a statement (Fuyoh.. all my science terms coming out... :D)

2008
I thought everything would change this year, you know, me being done with school, and having a whole new kinda life ahead of me. I never realized I would be proven wrong. I had wanted to work but it was screwed up trying to find a job nearby my place so I decided to go all the way to KL, stay in church and work in Midvalley.
I wanted to start work in December 2007, but my mum told me she didn't want me to go anywhere for Christmas so I had to stay home. Then January I was sent to India to attend some meeting.

So I finally started working in February. I found a job in Tony Roma's The Gardens. My cousin was working there so I kinda used his influence. I picked up quickly (or so.. I guess) and even though I didn't pass the required needs I was taken to serve tables because we lacked staffs. It was heaven, I never really recall enjoying doing work so much. No, it wasn't because I was given freedom, nothing of that sort, it was purely because of the people I was working with. A great bunch of people, and I don't know whether I'll find workmates as good and fun as them. I used to be so motivated to go to work even though I knew that I would only be back at 2 in the morning. For those who know KL well, I used to finish work at 2, then head to the exit, walk right beside Volvo (which is beside the highway) and all the way to Brickfields, imagine that 2 in the morning walking alone, but I didn't have a single regret, it was awesome.

What made it even more awesome was that I met someone amazing when I was working back in KL. She was a girl I met through Friendster, and we decided to meet up, and lets just say she kinda turned my life around. We had our ups and downs, like every other relationships out there. I know how much I meant to her, though she might not think I appreciated her, I did, though now I realize I didn't actually show her how much she meant to me.

Just to make it clear, I appreciated every single second

that you spent with me, every single step that I took

knowing that I had you watching over me.

What you said is true I guess. I was an awesome friend but a sucky lover.

Thanks for still being with me now,

thanks for understanding me,

thanks for accepting me for who I am,

thanks for never saying "I had enough"

thanks for calling me at nights and just keeping me awake with you,

thanks for just being you.

I quit my job after a month, had some problems there, and I had to join college. I was initially planning on doing a Foundation in Science in HICT, then proceed to HELP to pursue a degree in Psychology. However, fate decided that it was not to be, upon enquiring, we found out that a degree in Psychology was being offered through the American Degree Program. Well, to make things short, I decided to enrol for that course and in no time at all, I was making friends (come on la .. its me you're talking about here... how can I not make friends :p)

Slowly but surely a change was coming about in the college. You see when I first joined college, it was dull, a place of no life, a stagnant mood of patheticness floating about. Then, we met the best lecturer of all time, Mr. Victor. Now, he brought this different mind set into our college habit. He had a dream, and he sensed his dream would be able to be a reality with us. We, of course, being so freaking active back in school most undoubtedly said yes.

This was the changing point, as we set off to make an unimaginable tide of changes.

We started of many clubs such as the Drama club (now known as the performing arts club which includes drama club, dance club and music club) and the Toastmasters club.

We started up a bistro known as the Blackout Bistro serving foods for anyone who visits the bistro.

We performed for many shows in the college events such as the July 4th American Independence Day show and the Bloody Hell Show.

So college was a blast and oh yeah, my bunch of friends won the HICT Street Soccer tournament. So all in all, college was the best thing to keep my 2008 alive.

Besides that, I went clubbing for the first time in my life, it was awesome, everything about it was almost bringing me to tears of joy.

However what I meant when I said that I don't think nothing much is going to change is the freedom I get from my parents. I believe all of you should know how strict my parents are, or probably not strict but rather how they wouldn't let me out that much. I started last year thinking that I'm goin to be 18, I've left school, now life is about to change, I was hell wrong. Well, yes, I did get to go out more than I used to, but looking around and seeing the people my age, I realize some kids are better off than me, in that sense I don't see 2009 being any different for me.

BUT!!!!!

I'm not going to sit down and moan about it, HELL NO!!!! I'm going to make full use of it, in whichever way I can, thanks to Ahdesya and Ruzanna for kicking it into me.

So I'm going to nail 2009 in the best way I can, and I just realized I have another thing to accomplish in 2009

I NEED TO GET MY FIRST KISS!!!